By Lynette Ballard, Grief Therapist
Human beings are social creatures. As a species, we have always tended to group together in families, communities, and larger groups, as a means of survival. We have literally depended on each other, over millennia, to band together in a team effort to continue as a species.
That’s part of what has made being in “quarantine” so much more difficult than many people would have predicted. While we’ve been used to warring against each other for power, this enemy is different. It’s caused us to have to separate from each other in order to survive. This separation feels abnormal, and dangerous, because our instincts tell us that only the collaborative group effort will allow us to prevail against the enemy.
Being separated from those very groups is causing a societal sense of loss. This is a loss of connectivity, a loss of control, a loss even of our very identity as humans.
While we’re grieving different parts of this experience, the bigger, societal loss, tugs at our insides, reminding us that this loss is bigger than all our other, more personal losses, which include loss of loved ones, loss of employment, and loss of economic stability.
When individuals experience grief, or loss, we each react in different ways. For some, it’s been an opportunity for growth, and a chance to help those around us. For others, it has been a time of severe internal and external crisis.
Grief is an experience of intense emotions. We often deal with vacillations between denial, anger, guilt, bargaining, sadness and acceptance, but we don’t experience these emotions in a linear way. We may be in denial in the morning, and sad in the afternoon. Someone in our home can be angry, and another person feeling guilty. Grief is not a uniform experience, which makes it unpredictable. One thing is for sure; grief will not be ignored.
In the beginning of this pandemic, many of us jumped on board the proverbial ship, all of us wanting to do our part to lower the sails of the virus. As a societal group, we pushed forward with the instinct to fight this enemy; this threat to our survival. Many believed that a few days, or weeks at home would be nothing more than a temporary interruption in our lives. But then panic set in, and stay at home orders suddenly became a call to prepare for the end of the world, as we know it. People stockpiled, panic bought things they neither needed, nor wanted, mobbed grocery stores, and rejected each other.
Reactions like these are likely due to the sense of loss we’re currently experiencing. We’ve been told to separate, prepare for the spread of this virus to get worse, and to stay away from each other as much as possible. Usually, when we face a threat, humans we band together to fight. The very idea of retracting, and retreating into our homes goes against our very nature.
How do we deal with this new form of grief, and this enormous, and somewhat overwhelming societal sense of loss? First, we need to acknowledge what we’re experiencing. Naming what we have lost, individually and collectively, and giving it our attention, can help. By recognizing something for what it is, we can put it in its compartment and analyze it from there. Another helpful suggestion is to keep or start a journal. Journaling can be an effective, somewhat easy way of claiming our grief. Writing our thoughts and feelings on paper gets them out of our brains, and allows us to be more objective as we look back on our words and feelings on the page.
Another good way of handling grief, in all its forms, is through social support. Unfortunately, during this time of quarantine, social gathering has been a challenge. Luckily, we live in the 21st century, and there has never been a time when we could be so connected through technology as we are now.
Still, many are finding it difficult not to feel sadness through all of this. There have been so many cancelled events and so many lost activities. These smaller losses complicate the bigger loss, leaving us overwhelmed by the state of the world. It is important not to get stuck in this feeling state. Find something to do. Think of a project that might take longer than a day to complete. It needs to be something you really enjoy doing and something that gives you pride.
The goal of the grief process is to allow us to have time to accept the new normal; a new way of being. The process takes time and attention. We need to give ourselves time to grieve the experiences we’re not having, both individually and collectively. Listen to each other, and share your losses. We need to validate each other. There is no alternative to grief. The only way out is through it.
If you need to talk to someone about the grief you're experiencing, our therapists are here for you! Please call us and schedule an appointment today.
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